Prince Philip to select ‘Royal Family’ winner

His Royal Highness Prince Philip will decide who wins the grand prize in England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

The Duke of Edinburgh will welcome contestants George Tompkins, Rosalind Watkins and Mary Willoughby aboard the Royal Yacht, Britannia – the interior of which he helped to design – for a casual dinner party during the two-hour series finale.

“He’s been a fan of the programme all along,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer. “He loves all the twists and turns. We are so honored that he accepted our invitation to take part.”

Much to her chagrin, Marple-Holmes said his highness’ favorite episode was last week’s portrait painting. Viewers will recall that Marple-Holmes was splattered with various shades from head to toe after a disgruntled contestant threw a full palette of paint at the artist.

According to the Royal Family’s Web site (www.royal.gov.uk), Prince Philip is quite an art lover. He “has formed his own private collection of artwork from around the Commonwealth. His collection includes more than 150 contemporary Scottish paintings to hang in the private apartments at the Palace of Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh.”

“We’re incredibly fortunate to have Prince Philip take part in our little project,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor for The Independent. “Everyone is looking forward to meeting him and having a bit of a chat.”

‘Royal Family’ plans special announcement

Producers of the smash hit “Welcome to the (Royal) Family” will greet reporters at 9 a.m. Saturday at Buckingham Gate outside Buckingham Palace to announce an exciting twist to the upcoming two-hour finale.

“We can’t wait to tell viewers the jolly good news,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer.

With rumours swirling all around them about a special royal guest star, the final three contestants spent the past few days preparing for their final challenges – including a limousine obstacle course, sacking a member of the household staff and dodging paparazzi after a supposedly secret (and wild) night on the town.

George Tompkins, Rosalind Watkins and Mary Willoughby remain in the running.

“We challenged them thus far, no doubt, but nothing will top this week’s activities,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor for The Independent.

“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far,” Tompkins said. “My wife calls me every day to wish me good luck, but I think she’s a bit worried that one of the pretty girls will catch my eye.”

“Mum and Dad invite the whole family over every week to watch,” Watkins said.

“Everyone at the restaurant wears T-shirts they made to cheer for me,” Willoughby said.

Viewership of “Welcome to the (Royal) Family” surpasses even that of “East Enders” on BBC One, which draws millions of Britons every week.

Portrait Painting Turns Ugly: Final Three Contestants Remain

A disastrous portrait sitting complete with flying wigs, splattering paint and enough cursing to embarrass the entire Royal Navy left England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family,” with its final three contestants.

“That did not go well at all for him, did it?” said Nigel Arthur, features editor of The Independent. “Fortunately, we caught it all on film – you’ll see it on the front page tomorrow!”

Fans of the show voted online last week to have the final four contestants sit for a formal royal portrait. Peter Thistle, George Tompkins, Rosalind Watkins and Mary Willoughby chose their costume from among the castle’s historic collection. Watkins selected a lavender gown worn by Lady Augusta Pemberly on Christmas Day in 1835.

“I feel like a princess,” Watkins whispered as she took her seat. “Isn’t this the loveliest dress you’ve ever seen?”

Mary Willoughby, 33, manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge, chose a midnight blue Empire waist gown with matching slippers, a fur-trimmed reticule and pearl and diamond ear-bobs.

“I wish I could wear something like this during Regatta,” she said as she glanced at herself in a mirror. “I can hardly believe it’s me!”

Contestants were seated on makeshift thrones in the four corners of the grand ballroom at Pemberly Castle, surrounded by screens so only the artist, Hugh Ferris, could see them. Ferris moved among them, paint brush and palette in hand.

Prior to the portrait sitting, the quiet and unassuming Thistle, 51-year-old skilled decorator at the Wedgwood Factory in Stoke-on-Trent, had completed all the challenges with dignity and grace. After more than five hours, he was allowed to look at what Ferris had painted: Thistle’s head was made to look like a Wedgwood blue china cup, and the collar of his shirt was made to look like a matching saucer.

“This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back,” Arthur said. “I feel a bit sorry for the poor bloke. I didn’t think he ‘ad it in ‘im to make such a rumpus!”

Thistle grabbed the wig off his head and threw it at Ferris, which caused several open containers of paint to topple and spill all over the floor. Thistle then picked up a full palette of paint and threw it at Ferris – missing him but splattering executive producer Hyacinth Marple-Holmes with a dozen different hues. Programme security tackled Thistle before he could run the portrait through with a sword he wrested from a nearby suit of armour.

“I was quite looking forward to the portrait sitting, being an artist myself,” said Thistle as he stood outside in the rain, waiting for the local constables to arrive and presumably place him under arrest. “But that man was abominably obnoxious. Who on earth would want to be painted like that?”

Ferris is know to be a bit controversial. When his latest exhibition, “Mind Under Matter,” opened at Pinwheels Gallery in Soho, scores of people protested against what they viewed was his “warped look at the human form and the world as we know it.” He took no responsibility for the disaster at the castle.

“I captured his true essence,” he said of Thistle’s portrait.

“His true essence is an arse,” Thistle responded. “I need a pint.”

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Pub Performance Sends Simms Packing

A royal grand opening turned into a royal embarrassment for one of the contestants on England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Douglas Simms, 49-year-old lorry driver from London’s East End, disappeared about 30 minutes after helping to dedicate a new children’s after-school centre in Oxford.

Simms and the other contestants had cut the ceremonial ribbon and spoken a few words – all of which were monitored closely by programme judges – then were given a brief tour of the facility. They were then encouraged to interact with some of the children and serve them biscuits and juice.

After about 30 minutes, Simms was nowhere to be found. Local police were summoned; programme producers were frantic.

“Where the bloody hell is he?” demanded Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, the programme's executive producer. “Members of the Royal Family simply do not walk away from a photo opportunity. I’ll kick his bloody arse when I find him!”

Constables were pulled off the search after about 45 minutes when they received word of trouble at the Green Dragon Pub down the street from the after-school centre.

That’s where they found Simms.

“Mr. Simms was behaving rather rudely,” said Constable Henry Morse after Simms was put into a panda car and driven to the nearest station.

“He was standing on the bar with a dustbin on his noggin’, claimin’ he was King of England,” said John Walker, one of the patrons in the pub at the time. “He was puttin’ on a right good show, he was.”

Marple-Holmes explained later that the strain of the competition had overtaken Simms.

“He was suffering from nervous exhaustion,” she told reporters outside the police station. “He’ll be going home now, where he can get some rest.”

“I just wanted a pint!” Simms yelled to reporters as he was driven from the scene.

Fish-and-Chip Fumble, Terrible Tea and Bothersome Bouquets Thwart Three

Three more contestants were given a less than royal sendoff this week from England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Paul George, 33, who owns a fish-and-chips take-away in Liverpool, was shown the door after he smuggled in that very meal during a posh exhibition opening at the South Banks Arts Centre. He was found cross-legged on the floor under a table.

“I haven't had a decent fish-and-chips since I left Liverpool," George said. "Blimey, it got their knickers in a twist. What a bunch of ol' fuddy-duddies.”

The next day, contestants were put through their paces during a “Royal Rally” at various locations throughout London.

Penelope Pringle, 64, a curator at the Royal Albert Museum in Exeter, wowed judges with her perfectly proper royal wave - moving her wrist ever so slightly back and forth as she passed the judging table.

“I’ve seen her majesty on TV so many times, waving so regally - so I just tried to copy her,” Pringle said, waving proudly. “It must have worked!”

Judges were equally impressed with 70-year-old George Tompkins’ composure during High Tea at The Ritz - which was anything but typical. Hot sauce had been added to the tea and cayenne pepper laced the scones. As for the crumpets – they contained not raisins, but edible bugs.

“That type of thing worked so well across the pond in ‘Fear Factor’ that we had to try it,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, the programme’s executive producer.

Pringle gasped for air after swallowing quite a lot of the spicy tea.

"What the bloomin' 'ell is in that tea?" she shouted, grabbing for a nearby pitcher of water. Her face turned a bright scarlet and she burst into tears as soon as she realized what she had said.

"Oh well," she said later. "We've got a lovely collection of slippers coming into the museum next week. That will keep me busy."

Tompkins seemed not to have noticed anything was amiss.

“Years of workin’ the mines deadened ‘me sense o’ smell,” he said. “I thought everything tasted grand. Do you think they’d mind if I took home some crumpets?”

Sally Curtiss, a 22-year-old pre-school teacher from Hampshire, was done in by flowers presented to her during a walk-about near St. Paul’s Cathedral.

“Bloody flowers!” she said between sniffles and sneezes, frantically grabbing for a handkerchief. “I have terrible hayfever! Bloody hell – how will I ever meet Prince Harry now?”

Producers have said repeatedly that contestants are judged by how well they maintain their composure at all times.

“Royals do not sniffle public,” said Marple-Holmes. “And for heaven’s sake they never blow their nose. That’s simply not done when you wear a crown.”

Rude gesture prompts next sacking

After gesturing rather rudely at a reporter during a mock news conference, the second contestant has been sacked from England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Roger Bingley, a 24-year-old performance artist, musician and poet, was sent home to Bath for his ill-mannered response to a reporter's question about when he might get a real job.

“If he were an actual member of the Royal Family and we snapped that photo of the gesture, it would be page one for sure,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor for The Independent.

“A member of the Royal Family would never behave in such an appalling manner,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer. “These people simply must realise that their every action is under intense scrutiny. Members of the real Royal Family are held in the highest regard. This is no place for riff-raff.”

Later in the week, 47-year-old Gert Kellogg, an auto mechanic and part-time barmaid from Blackpool, was sacked after finishing last in the timed obstacle course through Pemberly Castle’s garden maze. Ladies were required to wear a gown, cape, tiara and high heels, while the gents had to wear breeches, a large feathered hat and high boots with a sword at their side.

“That bloody stupid gown kept getting in my way,” Kellogg said. “Who would wear such a ridiculous getup anyway? I need a pint.”

"I felt just like one of the Musketeers," said Peter Thistle, a 51-year-old skilled decorator at the Wedgwood Factory in Stoke-on-Trent. "I know they were French and all."

Challenges awaited contestants at various points within the maze. In one spot, they had to serve tea and cakes with one arm tied behind their back. At another point they were instructed to mount a horse and ride (side saddle for the ladies) blindfolded for several metres.

“I’ve always been a bit afraid of large animals, but at least I didn’t fall off,” said 64-year-old Penelope Pringle, a curator at the Royal Albert Museum in Exeter. “I rather enjoyed wearing the fancy dress, though.”

The next day, 43-year-old Melinda Bennett, who runs a stall selling handmade papers, fine stationery and cards at the Ayelsbury Market, was eliminated after fainting during an unveiling ceremony for a rather graphic piece of art.

“I wonder what ol’ Chuck would have done, eh?” said 49-year-old Douglas Simms, a lorry driver from London’s East End.

“Oh my goodness,” said a rather red in the face Mary Willoughby, 33-year-old manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge. “That was rather embarrassing, wasn’t it? I can’t imagine Queen Elizabeth having to do that with such a rude thing. Oh my goodness.”

Programme organizers made no apologies.

“There’s a lot at stake here,” Marple-Holmes said. “These people simply must act in a manner befitting a Royal at all times, no matter what the situation.”

Grand prize is £50,000 and an invitation to a posh royal do at Windsor Castle.