First contestant sacked!

The first contestant has been sacked from England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Millicent Jones, a hair stylist from Birmingham, was disqualified after fellow contestant Douglas Simms, a lorry driver from Sussex, discovered that Jones has a rather notorious past.

“We’re not interested in that kind of person,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer.

During the past week, contestants have explored Pemberly Castle and its lovely grounds and gardens. At night, a few of the contestants have been surprised by the specters that call the castle home.

“Did we forget to mention that the castle’s haunted?” Marple-Holmes said, flashing a wicked grin.

“We’ve got some great photos of the contestants running about in their jim-jams, screaming and pointing at the ghosts,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor of The Independent, which publishes exclusive stories about the programme and contestants every Friday. “They’ll be doing a scavenger hunt one night later this week. That should be jolly good fun – and give us some more great snaps!”

Mary Willoughby, 33-year-old manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge, won first place in the royal hat making contest for the ladies. Using dozens of feathers and plenty of bits and bobs, she transformed a simple pink chapeau into a royal work of art.

“That hat was absolutely fabulous!” Willoughby gushed. “But it’s awfully heavy. I wouldn’t like to wear it for more than a few minutes at a time.”

Paul George, 33-year-old owner of a fish-and-chips take-away in Liverpool, won first place in the gents’ race to muck out the royal stables.

“It was much smellier than making hats, but I’ll do just about anything for £50,000,” he said.

This week’s events will include a fashion show of historic garments worn by members of the Royal Family through the centuries. Journalist and author Tina Brown and Sir Roderick Willington DeMimsey, a distant member of the Royal Family, will serve as guest celebrity judges.

Two contestants will be eliminated after the next round, so competition is sure to heat up!