‘Royal Family’ plans special announcement

Producers of the smash hit “Welcome to the (Royal) Family” will greet reporters at 9 a.m. Saturday at Buckingham Gate outside Buckingham Palace to announce an exciting twist to the upcoming two-hour finale.

“We can’t wait to tell viewers the jolly good news,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer.

With rumours swirling all around them about a special royal guest star, the final three contestants spent the past few days preparing for their final challenges – including a limousine obstacle course, sacking a member of the household staff and dodging paparazzi after a supposedly secret (and wild) night on the town.

George Tompkins, Rosalind Watkins and Mary Willoughby remain in the running.

“We challenged them thus far, no doubt, but nothing will top this week’s activities,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor for The Independent.

“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far,” Tompkins said. “My wife calls me every day to wish me good luck, but I think she’s a bit worried that one of the pretty girls will catch my eye.”

“Mum and Dad invite the whole family over every week to watch,” Watkins said.

“Everyone at the restaurant wears T-shirts they made to cheer for me,” Willoughby said.

Viewership of “Welcome to the (Royal) Family” surpasses even that of “East Enders” on BBC One, which draws millions of Britons every week.

Portrait Painting Turns Ugly: Final Three Contestants Remain

A disastrous portrait sitting complete with flying wigs, splattering paint and enough cursing to embarrass the entire Royal Navy left England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family,” with its final three contestants.

“That did not go well at all for him, did it?” said Nigel Arthur, features editor of The Independent. “Fortunately, we caught it all on film – you’ll see it on the front page tomorrow!”

Fans of the show voted online last week to have the final four contestants sit for a formal royal portrait. Peter Thistle, George Tompkins, Rosalind Watkins and Mary Willoughby chose their costume from among the castle’s historic collection. Watkins selected a lavender gown worn by Lady Augusta Pemberly on Christmas Day in 1835.

“I feel like a princess,” Watkins whispered as she took her seat. “Isn’t this the loveliest dress you’ve ever seen?”

Mary Willoughby, 33, manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge, chose a midnight blue Empire waist gown with matching slippers, a fur-trimmed reticule and pearl and diamond ear-bobs.

“I wish I could wear something like this during Regatta,” she said as she glanced at herself in a mirror. “I can hardly believe it’s me!”

Contestants were seated on makeshift thrones in the four corners of the grand ballroom at Pemberly Castle, surrounded by screens so only the artist, Hugh Ferris, could see them. Ferris moved among them, paint brush and palette in hand.

Prior to the portrait sitting, the quiet and unassuming Thistle, 51-year-old skilled decorator at the Wedgwood Factory in Stoke-on-Trent, had completed all the challenges with dignity and grace. After more than five hours, he was allowed to look at what Ferris had painted: Thistle’s head was made to look like a Wedgwood blue china cup, and the collar of his shirt was made to look like a matching saucer.

“This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back,” Arthur said. “I feel a bit sorry for the poor bloke. I didn’t think he ‘ad it in ‘im to make such a rumpus!”

Thistle grabbed the wig off his head and threw it at Ferris, which caused several open containers of paint to topple and spill all over the floor. Thistle then picked up a full palette of paint and threw it at Ferris – missing him but splattering executive producer Hyacinth Marple-Holmes with a dozen different hues. Programme security tackled Thistle before he could run the portrait through with a sword he wrested from a nearby suit of armour.

“I was quite looking forward to the portrait sitting, being an artist myself,” said Thistle as he stood outside in the rain, waiting for the local constables to arrive and presumably place him under arrest. “But that man was abominably obnoxious. Who on earth would want to be painted like that?”

Ferris is know to be a bit controversial. When his latest exhibition, “Mind Under Matter,” opened at Pinwheels Gallery in Soho, scores of people protested against what they viewed was his “warped look at the human form and the world as we know it.” He took no responsibility for the disaster at the castle.

“I captured his true essence,” he said of Thistle’s portrait.

“His true essence is an arse,” Thistle responded. “I need a pint.”

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Pub Performance Sends Simms Packing

A royal grand opening turned into a royal embarrassment for one of the contestants on England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Douglas Simms, 49-year-old lorry driver from London’s East End, disappeared about 30 minutes after helping to dedicate a new children’s after-school centre in Oxford.

Simms and the other contestants had cut the ceremonial ribbon and spoken a few words – all of which were monitored closely by programme judges – then were given a brief tour of the facility. They were then encouraged to interact with some of the children and serve them biscuits and juice.

After about 30 minutes, Simms was nowhere to be found. Local police were summoned; programme producers were frantic.

“Where the bloody hell is he?” demanded Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, the programme's executive producer. “Members of the Royal Family simply do not walk away from a photo opportunity. I’ll kick his bloody arse when I find him!”

Constables were pulled off the search after about 45 minutes when they received word of trouble at the Green Dragon Pub down the street from the after-school centre.

That’s where they found Simms.

“Mr. Simms was behaving rather rudely,” said Constable Henry Morse after Simms was put into a panda car and driven to the nearest station.

“He was standing on the bar with a dustbin on his noggin’, claimin’ he was King of England,” said John Walker, one of the patrons in the pub at the time. “He was puttin’ on a right good show, he was.”

Marple-Holmes explained later that the strain of the competition had overtaken Simms.

“He was suffering from nervous exhaustion,” she told reporters outside the police station. “He’ll be going home now, where he can get some rest.”

“I just wanted a pint!” Simms yelled to reporters as he was driven from the scene.

Fish-and-Chip Fumble, Terrible Tea and Bothersome Bouquets Thwart Three

Three more contestants were given a less than royal sendoff this week from England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Paul George, 33, who owns a fish-and-chips take-away in Liverpool, was shown the door after he smuggled in that very meal during a posh exhibition opening at the South Banks Arts Centre. He was found cross-legged on the floor under a table.

“I haven't had a decent fish-and-chips since I left Liverpool," George said. "Blimey, it got their knickers in a twist. What a bunch of ol' fuddy-duddies.”

The next day, contestants were put through their paces during a “Royal Rally” at various locations throughout London.

Penelope Pringle, 64, a curator at the Royal Albert Museum in Exeter, wowed judges with her perfectly proper royal wave - moving her wrist ever so slightly back and forth as she passed the judging table.

“I’ve seen her majesty on TV so many times, waving so regally - so I just tried to copy her,” Pringle said, waving proudly. “It must have worked!”

Judges were equally impressed with 70-year-old George Tompkins’ composure during High Tea at The Ritz - which was anything but typical. Hot sauce had been added to the tea and cayenne pepper laced the scones. As for the crumpets – they contained not raisins, but edible bugs.

“That type of thing worked so well across the pond in ‘Fear Factor’ that we had to try it,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, the programme’s executive producer.

Pringle gasped for air after swallowing quite a lot of the spicy tea.

"What the bloomin' 'ell is in that tea?" she shouted, grabbing for a nearby pitcher of water. Her face turned a bright scarlet and she burst into tears as soon as she realized what she had said.

"Oh well," she said later. "We've got a lovely collection of slippers coming into the museum next week. That will keep me busy."

Tompkins seemed not to have noticed anything was amiss.

“Years of workin’ the mines deadened ‘me sense o’ smell,” he said. “I thought everything tasted grand. Do you think they’d mind if I took home some crumpets?”

Sally Curtiss, a 22-year-old pre-school teacher from Hampshire, was done in by flowers presented to her during a walk-about near St. Paul’s Cathedral.

“Bloody flowers!” she said between sniffles and sneezes, frantically grabbing for a handkerchief. “I have terrible hayfever! Bloody hell – how will I ever meet Prince Harry now?”

Producers have said repeatedly that contestants are judged by how well they maintain their composure at all times.

“Royals do not sniffle public,” said Marple-Holmes. “And for heaven’s sake they never blow their nose. That’s simply not done when you wear a crown.”

Rude gesture prompts next sacking

After gesturing rather rudely at a reporter during a mock news conference, the second contestant has been sacked from England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Roger Bingley, a 24-year-old performance artist, musician and poet, was sent home to Bath for his ill-mannered response to a reporter's question about when he might get a real job.

“If he were an actual member of the Royal Family and we snapped that photo of the gesture, it would be page one for sure,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor for The Independent.

“A member of the Royal Family would never behave in such an appalling manner,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer. “These people simply must realise that their every action is under intense scrutiny. Members of the real Royal Family are held in the highest regard. This is no place for riff-raff.”

Later in the week, 47-year-old Gert Kellogg, an auto mechanic and part-time barmaid from Blackpool, was sacked after finishing last in the timed obstacle course through Pemberly Castle’s garden maze. Ladies were required to wear a gown, cape, tiara and high heels, while the gents had to wear breeches, a large feathered hat and high boots with a sword at their side.

“That bloody stupid gown kept getting in my way,” Kellogg said. “Who would wear such a ridiculous getup anyway? I need a pint.”

"I felt just like one of the Musketeers," said Peter Thistle, a 51-year-old skilled decorator at the Wedgwood Factory in Stoke-on-Trent. "I know they were French and all."

Challenges awaited contestants at various points within the maze. In one spot, they had to serve tea and cakes with one arm tied behind their back. At another point they were instructed to mount a horse and ride (side saddle for the ladies) blindfolded for several metres.

“I’ve always been a bit afraid of large animals, but at least I didn’t fall off,” said 64-year-old Penelope Pringle, a curator at the Royal Albert Museum in Exeter. “I rather enjoyed wearing the fancy dress, though.”

The next day, 43-year-old Melinda Bennett, who runs a stall selling handmade papers, fine stationery and cards at the Ayelsbury Market, was eliminated after fainting during an unveiling ceremony for a rather graphic piece of art.

“I wonder what ol’ Chuck would have done, eh?” said 49-year-old Douglas Simms, a lorry driver from London’s East End.

“Oh my goodness,” said a rather red in the face Mary Willoughby, 33-year-old manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge. “That was rather embarrassing, wasn’t it? I can’t imagine Queen Elizabeth having to do that with such a rude thing. Oh my goodness.”

Programme organizers made no apologies.

“There’s a lot at stake here,” Marple-Holmes said. “These people simply must act in a manner befitting a Royal at all times, no matter what the situation.”

Grand prize is £50,000 and an invitation to a posh royal do at Windsor Castle.

First contestant sacked!

The first contestant has been sacked from England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

Millicent Jones, a hair stylist from Birmingham, was disqualified after fellow contestant Douglas Simms, a lorry driver from Sussex, discovered that Jones has a rather notorious past.

“We’re not interested in that kind of person,” said Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer.

During the past week, contestants have explored Pemberly Castle and its lovely grounds and gardens. At night, a few of the contestants have been surprised by the specters that call the castle home.

“Did we forget to mention that the castle’s haunted?” Marple-Holmes said, flashing a wicked grin.

“We’ve got some great photos of the contestants running about in their jim-jams, screaming and pointing at the ghosts,” said Nigel Arthur, features editor of The Independent, which publishes exclusive stories about the programme and contestants every Friday. “They’ll be doing a scavenger hunt one night later this week. That should be jolly good fun – and give us some more great snaps!”

Mary Willoughby, 33-year-old manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge, won first place in the royal hat making contest for the ladies. Using dozens of feathers and plenty of bits and bobs, she transformed a simple pink chapeau into a royal work of art.

“That hat was absolutely fabulous!” Willoughby gushed. “But it’s awfully heavy. I wouldn’t like to wear it for more than a few minutes at a time.”

Paul George, 33-year-old owner of a fish-and-chips take-away in Liverpool, won first place in the gents’ race to muck out the royal stables.

“It was much smellier than making hats, but I’ll do just about anything for £50,000,” he said.

This week’s events will include a fashion show of historic garments worn by members of the Royal Family through the centuries. Journalist and author Tina Brown and Sir Roderick Willington DeMimsey, a distant member of the Royal Family, will serve as guest celebrity judges.

Two contestants will be eliminated after the next round, so competition is sure to heat up!

Meet the Contestants!

Meet the 12 lucky contestants of England's most regal reality show, Welcome to the (Royal) Family, airing Thursdays on BBC-Two:

* “Prince Harry is going to take one look at me and fall arse over tip, I just know it,” said Sally Curtiss, a 22-year-old pre-school teacher and member of a woman’s rugby team in Hampshire. “I have posters of him all around my flat. He’s such a dish.”

* “I’d love to give her highness a right proper twirl around the floor,” said 70-year-old George Tompkins, a retired coal miner from Newcastle. “These old bones ain’t what they used to be and I do creak a bit. I hope she won’t mind.”

* “It’s going to be against the collar, but I’m tough,” said 43-year-old Melinda Bennett, who runs a stall selling handmade papers, fine stationery and cards at the Ayelsbury Market. “I’m up for a bit of bubbly and fancy food!”

* “I’ve always loved history so I took the test as a bit of a lark,” said Peter Thistle, a 51-year-old skilled decorator at the Wedgwood Factory in Stoke-on-Trent. “I just sat down with my biscuit and tea when Bob’s your uncle, the programme people called. They didn’t have to tell me twice!”

* “I’ve always believed I was a long-lost relation to the Royal Family,” said Millicent Jones, a 29-year-old hair stylist from Birmingham. “My friends always tell me I have such a royal bearing, and of course I look just like Princess Diana.”

* “My Mum and Dad are so proud!” said 26-year-old Rosalind Watkins, who just opened a children’s bookstore, theatre and café in London’s Bloomsbury district. “My chums thought I was mental when I studied for the test, but here I am. I can’t wait to get started!”

* “I only took the test because the blokes down at the Feathers didn’t think I’d know anything,” said 49-year-old Douglas Simms, a lorry driver from London’s East End. “Hard cheese to them, I say!”

* “They’re such lovely people,” said 33-year-old Mary Willoughby, manager of a riverfront restaurant in Cambridge. “They’re always so nice when they come in during the Regatta. What a lark to be the one sitting at the table being waited on for a change!”

* “Rock the palace!” said 24-year-old Roger Bingley, a performance artist, musician and poet from Bath.

* “Oh my goodness! I never thought they’d pick me!” said 64-year-old Penelope Pringle, a curator at the Royal Albert Museum in Exeter. “Everyone here is rooting for me!”

* “It’s about bloody time something went right for me,” said 47-year-old Gert Kellogg, an auto mechanic and part-time barmaid from Blackpool.

* “Chuck and Liz won’t know what to make of me!” said 33-year-old Paul George, who owns a fish-and-chips take-away in Liverpool. “Beatles Forever!”

Visit the contestants' video journals at http://www.bbc.co.uk/ and read exclusive interviews with them and programme personnel Fridays in The Independent, http://www.independent.co.uk/

P.S. The castle in the photo above is "home away from home" for these lucky 12 people for the next few weeks!

Thousands Take 'Royal' Qualifying Test!

More than 25,000 Britons completed the qualifying test for England’s most regal reality show, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family” on the weekend.

“We had no idea the idea would be so popular,” gushed Hyacinth Marple-Holmes, executive producer. “The chance to hobnob with the rich and famous really is a draw for a lot of people.”

Millions of people watched the programme live on BBC-Two, but only about 150 persons answered all 100 questions correctly during the 60 minutes allowed. From that group, 12 lucky contestants were chosen at random.

Contestants come from all parts of England and from all walks of life. They have all been whisked away via caravan to the lovely Pemberly Castle, where they will spend the next several weeks taking part in activities and challenges leading to the grand prize: £50,000 and an invite to a party where Queen Elizabeth and Princes William and Harry are expected to be attendance.

“We’ve got some lovely surprises in store for our viewers,” Marple-Holmes said. “I don’t want to give away too much, but let’s just say these contestants are in for a bit of a challenge.”

“Welcome to the (Royal) Family” airs Thursday evenings on BBC-Two. For all the details, be sure to pick up a copy of Friday’s Independent.

England's Most Regal Reality Show is Coming Soon to a Palace Near You!

Those longing to be part of the glitz and glamour of the British Royal Family may soon have their day.

BBC-Two in conjunction with The Independent are ready to launch the world’s most regal reality television programme, “Welcome to the (Royal) Family.”

“Royal-loving Britons secretly long to be part of the Buckingham Palace crowd, and this show will give 12 people that very chance,” said the programme’s executive producer, Hyacinth Marple-Holmes. “Contestants will be put through their paces much like real-life newcomers to the Royal Family, but without all that nasty cousins marrying cousins business."

Exclusive interviews with contestants, producers and other programme participants will be found only on BBC Two and Fridays in The Independent. All contestants will be asked to document their experiences on video blogs, posted exclusively on the BBC Two Web site.

“We’re thrilled to be part of this,” said Nigel Arthur, Independent features editor.

Those interested in participating should visit the BBC Web site and click on the link for “Welcome to the Royal Family.” Once registered, contestants will receive further information and instructions.

All of those registered by Oct. 7, 2007 will take an online qualifying exam during a live BBC broadcast. All contestants must complete the exam in the time allotted during the broadcast. Scores will be tabulated during the programme. All those with a perfect score will be entered into a random lottery. Twelve contestants will be selected.

“The test isn’t going to be all peaches and cream,” Marple-Holmes said. “It’s going to really test your knowledge of the Royal Family."

Test-takers will be asked to list all the kings and queens of England and dates of their reigns. They also will be quizzed on English history, geography and current events.

Once selected, the 12 contestants will be ushered to a beautiful, historic castle in the English countryside to await further instructions.

“It will be a smashing good time for everyone!” Marple-Holmes said.

Review England's history at:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/

See a timeline of Royals through the ages at:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/launch_tl_kings_queens.shtml

Visit the Royal Family's official Web site at:

http://www.royal.gov.uk/